Best Tasting Bar

Luna Bar: S'mores Flavor

I've had many haters of my dietary choices tell me that Luna bars are for women and they'll make me grow man boobs. I've told them that I'll keep eating a S'mores Luna bar for breakfast, like I have for at least the past two years, until I grow another head, with another mouth, presumably, which would allow me to consume multiple S'mores Luna bars simultaneously.

Best Bar for Lunch

This Saves Lives Chewy Granola Bars: PB&J Flavor

This Bar Saves Lives has an impressive mission, dedicating itself to hunger relief for children, which is already enough reason to try its offerings out. But the PB&J bar. Dear god. It doesn't make sense. If your five-year-old self imagined the platonic ideal of a PB&J sandwich, this bar hits every note except for the bread, which was probably your least favorite part, anyway.

Best Gluten-Free Bar

Perfect Bar Refrigerated Protein Bar: Dark Chocolate Chip Peanut Butter Flavor

In my psychotic, make-believe world where I'm always spotting bars in the wild like Pokémon, this is known as The Starbucks Bar. You know that little refrigerator under the pastries, where they keep normal people snacks like mini-cheese wheels (ew) and apple slices? There's usually a Perfect Bar buried in there. It's the rare refrigerated bar, meaning that the consistency is something not far off from cookie dough. Pair it with a Pike Roast and a bacon gouda breakfast sammie next time you're at Starbies. 

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Best Bar to Have with Your Morning Coffee

Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars: Oats 'n Honey Flavor

This is the only bar I'll put on here where it's not all love. Nature Valley bars are a mess. Pull one out of its sleeve, and expect to get an unholy amount of crumbs on your seat, shirt, floor, and on the person sitting across the room from you. But all is fair in love and bars, and the Oats 'n Honey flavor is the best one to pair with coffee. Just keep your shit together, Nature Valley.

Best Soft-Baked Bar

365 by WFM Cereal Bar: Apple Cinnamon Flavor

A friend recently made the mistake of taking me to Whole Foods. I came home with frozen waffles, meatballs, a pint of Oatly's heaven-delivered fudge brownie ice cream, egg rolls, a pack of Luna S'mores bars, and what I thought were cheap knockoffs of a bar that's been in my rotation since I was a drooling kindergartener: the Nutri-Grain bar. The Whole Foods equivalent is like three times puffier than a Nutri-Grain bar, though. It's rare that you have a breakup in the bar life—it's more of a polygamous thing—but I roll with the 365 version now.

Best Bar for Casual Snacking

Chewy Granola Bars: Chocolate Chip Flavor

Now 30% Off

Chewy! Shit. There's not much to say. This is the box of bars you buy when you're picking up a prescription at CVS, tuck under your armpit, and eat one on the way home.

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Best Bar for a Keto Diet

Atkins Endulge Treat: Nutty Fudge Brownie Flavor

The Atkins brownie bar is the rare attempt at browniebarness that doesn't taste like you've tried to eat a scoop of dry protein powder. (Which, no joke, I hate to admit I've tried. It's like the cinnamon challenge, only you don't spit it out. I came close to choking to death.) A close number two, alongside the Nature Valley bar, in the best-with-a-coffee-bar race.

Best Bar for Breakfast

KIND Breakfast Bars: Blueberry Almond Flavor

Now 24% Off

If we're talking practicality for once, here, you need a bar that actually feels like you've eaten breakfast after it goes down. Unless you have the metabolism of my dreams, the KIND breakfast bars will cover you for at least a couple hours. There are two in every sleeve, in case you feel like sharing. (Though I don't recommend it.)

Best Bar for the Gym

Clif Bar: White Chocolate Macadamia Flavor

Now 31% Off

I'm about 90 percent sure I have a mild nut allergy, which makes every bite of the best Clif bar—White Chocolate Macadamia Nut—mean a little bit more, since I'm definitely inducing hives at the expense of enjoying this bar.

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Best Dessert Replacement Bar

No Cow Protein Bars: Birthday Cake Flavor

The dessert bar is a special breed. It must be light. Not too rich. It can't go down like a brick, which is a feeling my fellow bar-heads will understand. The dessert bar is a chef's kiss, the cherry on top of dinner, a taste you'll savor until the next morning's bar. The No Cow Birthday Cake bar is that bar. You want that bar. I do, too.

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