Does Westeros have a free press? Do they have newspapers, given that there's probably only a small percent of the population who can read and write? What do the farmers, the beggars, the merchants, the soldiers think of everything going on in their world? Do they care? How are these facts skewed by word-of-mouth and personal bias? How would the many, many deaths this season sound to an objective news source? Maybe something like this:

After Investigation Into Unsafe Bridge Conditions, Balon Greyjoy's Death Ruled Murder

Balon IX Greyjoy, the Lord Reaper of Pyke, died after falling from a bridge in the Iron Islands. He was 68. 

Best known for his rebellion against the Iron Throne—which resulted in the death of his two sons and his third son Theon being taken hostage by Eddard Stark—Greyjoy was pushed from a damp bridge by his brother Euron, who later admitted to the crime. The bridge was found not up to code. He's survived by his son Theon and daughter Yara, who are currently swearing allegiance to Daenerys Targaryen and fleeing their uncle.

"What is dead may never die," Yara said of her father's death.

A funeral service was held on the shores of the Iron Islands. Donations can be made to the Iron Islands Bridge Repairman Union.

Controversial Night's Watch Commander Given Death Penalty By Man He Killed

Though many would argue that his sentence should have been reduced to manslaughter after Jon Snow was brought back from the dead, Alliser Thorne was put to death on May 8 by Jon Snow for the murder of Jon Snow. He was 58.

After losing the election to become the 998th Lord Commander of the Night's Watch, Thorne briefly held the title of First Ranger to Snow.

"Do you know what leadership means, Lord Snow? It means that the person in charge gets second guessed by every clever little twat with a mouth," Thorne famously told Snow.

Donations can be made to the Make the Night's Watch Great Again Campaign.

Reports: Another Stark Direwolf Has Died

Beloved Stark direwolf Shaggydog, one of (at the time of his death) four remaining of his litter, has died at the age of seven. After being adopted by Rickon Stark, Shaggydog was known for his black fur and his love of traveling through the woods with his brother, Summer. 

Shaggydog was beheaded by the Umbers after their betrayal of the Stark family. He is survived by his siblings, Ghost, Nymeria, and (at the time of his death) Summer. Donations can be made to People for the Ethical Treatment of Direwolves.

Wildling Woman's Death in Bolton's Bedroom Ruled an Accident

A Wildling woman known as Osha was found dead in the home of Ramsay Bolton. She was 38. Though she was found with a stab wound to the throat, the death has been ruled an accident by investigators. Bolton is not a person of interest. According to Rickon Stark, a prisoner also held by the Boltons, Osha had come south from beyond the Wall, where she worked as a Spearwife. 

Though her people are enemies south of the Wall, she developed a friendship with the Stark family after she and her companions were taken hostage. Known for her interest in strange dreams and and the Old Gods, Osha is most famous for constantly carrying around and protecting the mostly worthless Stark boys.

She is survived by various Wildlings. A funeral was not held. Donations can be made to the Wildling Relocation Fund.

Winterfell Man Whose Entire Life's Purpose Was to Hold a Door Dies Holding Door

Hodor, the large lovable Winterfell stableboy, died on May 22 outside of a cave beyond the Wall. He was 55.

Born Wylis in Winterfell before Robert's Rebellion, Hodor was raised by his great-grandmother Old Nan. As a child, Wylis suffered a debilitating seizure, which left him mentally handicapped and only capable of saying the word, "Hodor." After the seizure, Hodor spent most of his life loyally working as a stableboy in Winterfell. 

"Hodor? Hodor," Hodor once said of his life in Winterfell. 

The final few years of Hodor's life were thrown into chaos as his lord was beheaded and his home of Winterfell taken by Ramsay Bolton. After a time on the run with the Stark boys, Hodor patiently sat in a cave for two years while Bran learned to do magic.

On May 22, Hodor helped Bran and Meera Reed escape from an entire army of White Walkers and wights. During their escape, Bran (who was just hanging out in the past) accidentally told young Hodor to hold a door to give them time to flee. This broke Hodor's mind. On May 22, though he had been removed from his lifelong stupor, Hodor still held the door giving Bran and Meera time to escape.

He is survived by Bran and Meera, who were ultimately responsible for his death and depressing existence. Donations can be made to the Time Travel Rehabilitation Foundation.

Second Stark Direwolf Dies in Two Weeks

Just weeks after his brother Shaggydog was beheaded by the Umbers, Summer Stark has died at the age of 6. Named after the season that may never come, Summer was adopted by Bran Stark along with his siblings. One of three remaining of his litter, Summer was killed by a pack of wights while helping Bran and Meera escape. Summer died alongside Hodor. He is survived by his siblings Ghost and Nymeria. 

Donations can be made to the Anti-Wight Lobby.

Unknown Woman Killed in Unknown Way By Woman Claiming to Be Arya Stark

After a short but fulfilling life loyally serving the Many-Faced God and physically assaulting Arya Stark, The Waif was killed on June 12 at the age of 19. Allegedly growing up in Westeros as the daughter of a widowed lord, The Waif escaped her home when her stepmother tried to poison her. Arriving in Braavos as a young woman, The Waif became an accomplished assassin, where hobbies included cutting off faces and physically assaulting Stark. A lapse in her training, The Waif never learned to fight in the dark and was killed by Stark. 

She is survived by Jaqen H'ghar, who may or may not have liked her. Donations can be made to The Faceless For Improved Visually Impaired Fighting.

Westeros Unsurprised By Latest Stark Death

Rickon Stark, the youngest of the Stark children, died on the battlefield after his brief time as Ramsay Bolton's captive. As Stark deaths have become common over the years in Westeros, Rickon's death was expected, as he's the only living man with a claim to Winterfell. 

The most reclusive of all the Stark children, Rickon kept to himself, learning at a young age that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. This proved to be his downfall, when—after being told by Ramsay to run to his brother on the battlefield—ran in a straight line, making it easier for him to be shot by an arrow at a long distance. 

Rickon received a proper burial at his half-brother Jon's request. Donations can be made to Zig-Zaggers Anonymous.

GOT HIM! Ramsay Bolton Killed in Winterfell, Stark Says

Though it hasn't been confirmed, Ramsay Bolton was mauled by his own dogs in the prisons of Winterfell Sansa Stark says. He was 25.

Bolton, responsible for dozens of murders—including members of his own family—and the abuse of his wife Sansa, was defeated in what is now being called The Battle of the Bastards.

Though it's still unclear why anyone—the Boltons included—followed Ramsay, the former bastard had amassed incredible power through violence and betrayal. He was taken hostage and beaten up by Jon Snow before Sansa released his hounds. He is presumed dead.

Bolton is survived by no one because he killed his whole family. Keep your damn money.

Corrections:

We previously reported that Jon Snow had been killed by members of the Night's Watch. Further investigation has found he has been brought back to life. We regret this error.

We previously reported that Sandor Clegane, The Hound, had been killed in combat. New reports say that he has been living with a pacifist religious community. We regret this error.

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