It's a rough time for Yellowstone fans. Sure, Paramount will pick up new fans of the modern cowboy western by airing the series on CBS this fall. But any sign of new episodes has been dumped at the "train station." (That's where the Dutton family takes you if you know too much... if you catch my drift.) That said, while Kevin Costner allegedly dooms the franchise—and a SAG-AFTRA strike prevents both 1923 and the planned Matthew McConaughey sequel from filming—I still needed my weekly Dutton cowboy fix.

I had one option: to drink the new Yellowstone-branded coffee.

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Normally, when I go to the grocery store, I just buy ground coffee. Usual go-tos include: Cafe Bustelo, Lavazza, and Brooklyn's Own. Great coffee! But none of them have a big honkin' Yellowstone logo on the bag. That's what you get when you go for "Bunkhouse," the medium roast Yellowstone coffee that I imagine Rip and the boys wake up with before they start roping cattle at the break of dawn. Bunkhouse is your traditional—how do I say this?—coffee-flavored coffee. It's the kind that famously inspired rants from Denis Leary. Bold, reliable, and surely John Dutton-approved. Granted, I'll drink just about anything that says "coffee" on it. But in the morning, I need the real stuff. No flavor, no milk, no sugar—just black coffee and the caffeine high it so generously gives. I'm sure Bunkhouse is good with a little whiskey in it, too. It's what you need, as the packaging states, to "Start every day the Dutton way." (Which is, more often than not, a dubious goal.)

I recommend going straight for the Bunkhouse.

Oh, but the bag has more inspirational yee-haws. "Life on the Dutton ranch requires a fistful of grit and the spirit of a cowboy!" the bag reads. "Whether you're watching day break over Montana's big sky, defending what's worth protecting, or just headed to the rodeo, this bold and smooth blend is your go-to for riding out everyday adventures... and all of life's up and downs." I may sit at a desk all day and work in a big New York City skyscraper, but now, dear reader? I'm doing it like a damn cowboy.

There's also a caramel oatmeal-flavored light roast, but I simply cannot imagine a single character on Yellowstone who would drink it. Open the bag a tiny bit and your kitchen will smell like the Dunkin' Donuts barista hit full blast on every flavor option. Hell, you can feel the smell in your ears. (Does that make sense? Or does the Yellowstone coffee have me tripping?) I can't recommend caramel oatmeal in good conscience. I wouldn't even wish it upon John Dutton's worst enemies at Market Equities. Beth wouldn't even drink it! In fact, she's quoted as saying, "Do I look like I need a cup of coffee?" right on the side of the damn bag.

Paramount is also planning to release a line of steak rubs, seasonings, and "meat snacks." Meat snacks!

The new Yellowstone food and beverage line comes in collaboration with Chef Gabriel "Gator" Guilbeau—who is both the on-screen Dutton family chef and the head of craft services for Yellowstone. "I am thrilled to be part of the launch and beyond as an ambassador of this new line," Gator said in a press release. "Yellowstone has an exceptional culinary point of view with authentic Western cuisine, and I’m excited to share it with our fans." Partnering with FoodStory Brands, Paramount also plans to release Angus beef chili, steak seasoning and rub, Stampede Meats bacon breakfast sausage links, and Oberto’s Cattleman’s Cut "meat snacks," throughout Walmart, Kroger, Amazon, H.E.B., Safeway, and Albertsons.

I'm hoping "meat snacks" means jerky, because the phrase "meat snacks" is freaking me out. Is that normal on the Dutton ranch? One meat snack, as a treat? Maybe if I drink more Bunkhouse, I'll reach Dutton nirvana and achieve full understanding of the cowboy way. Regardless, I'm ready for this coffee to transform me into Josh Dutton as start talking out of the corner of my mouth, lasso my editor, and drop him at the train station. I've got a full three feet of desk space that is about to be protected like my family's generational legacy depends on it. Watch out, world.

Yellowstone Bunkhouse Medium Roast Coffee - 100% Ground Arabica Beans - Nutty, Smooth Blend - Dutton Ranch Quality - 1 Bag (12 oz)

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