Media Platforms Design Team

I was twenty-three, living in Los Angeles, and driving a Volkswagen Jetta with cloth interior. Not the sexiest car in the world, but fortunately my girlfriend at the time didn't let that prevent us from doing sexy things inside of it. For some reason, the mischief always came to her when I was driving on the 405, always in daylight. I knew there was something illegal about it, but the blowjob is like a royal flush — it trumps everything. And so she began the awkwardly seductive exercise of jamming her head beneath the leather-bound steering wheel (I got the sport package) as I tried to set the mood, hitting the scan button on the radio. Now, for me, the moment of touchdown is kind of like hitting the pause button — my body goes limp, legs turn to Jell-O. Which is fine during a textbook stationary BJ, but at the controls of a three-thousand-pound bullet going sixty-five on the busiest highway in the country, it's insane. You somehow have to resist the temptation to do the close-the-eyes-and-tilt-the-head-back thing, stay focused on the road, maintain pressure on the gas with a gimp foot, and ignore the guy in the Tacoma who keeps looking over. As much as common sense pleaded with me to stop this right now, there was simply no way in hell that was going to happen. I was committed. Looking back now, my only regret was going with the Chumbawamba.

Probable Penalty

Could be as little as a regular traffic fine or as much as six months in jail and a fine of $2,000.

CLICK HERE for more of Esquire's Guide to Minor Transgressions!

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