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Do priests masturbate?

They do at my church — all over the place. Nuns, too. It's fairly distracting. I'm thinking of lodging a complaint.

Priests are not supposed to masturbate. It's a violation of their celibacy and not in line with the church's general sex policy. "It's not like the idea is to condemn people," says Father Donald Senior, president of the Catholic Theological Union, whose parent company, the Catholic Church, has been providing fine condemnations for more than 2,000 years. "It's to say what in the Catholic view is the proper expression of our sexuality." And the proper expression of Catholic sexuality is procreative sex between man and wife. (Why, what did you think it was?)

Recently, though, it's come to the attention of society and law enforcement that priests are technically human men and enjoy occasionally rubbing one out. Some do confess their sins, but most seek comfort in the Holy Book, which advises a priest with unholy thoughts to "remain silent, but cleave nightly unto the spine of thine copy of Torso that thou keepest hidden in thine mattress ticking" (Genesis 1:1).

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